I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize