R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
