At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
