YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
