she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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