Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
