I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
