I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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