don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
