so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
