Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize