I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
