How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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