The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
In America we eat man semen.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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