He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
