Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
