i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
