i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
