Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
