My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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