i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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