hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
