Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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