dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
