I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
