Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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