whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
