I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
