The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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