Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize