Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
