There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
