it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
