Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
