I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
