just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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