So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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