So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
