Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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