My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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