we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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