i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize