I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
