not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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