I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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