wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
