I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize