just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
