I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
