Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
