True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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