Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize