if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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