so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
