Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
