jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
