I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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