I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think I sprained my soul last night
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
