just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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