I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
