he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize